“I allowed my relationship with my dad to define 50 years of my life until I decided that it was enough”

The incredible story of how my client overcame the need for her father’s approval and redefined what true love meant to her.

 Self-development and trauma healing has been a strong trend in the past few years and whilst it’s great that young millennial and generation Z is passionate about it, the older generations often get left out and even shamed for wanting to pursue change even if it’s for the better. 

Keeping up with what’s happening and trending around the world is overwhelming as it is but feeling excluded is another level of hurt and I often get some clients between the ages of 50 and 70 who express their feelings of shame that it took them this long to change unwanted behaviors or reach out for help, what makes it worse for them is the fear of rejection from whom they reach out to or those around them they rely on for support. 

So let’s get something straight. Change, development, and healing know no age or limit. Just because it took you longer than other people to realize certain truths or to want to change a mindset doesn’t mean you are not worthy of it or that it’s too late for you to do it. The resources we have today were not available 20 or even 5 years ago, every day there is something new, and no matter what stage of life you are in right now, know that you have every right to make use of any resource available to you for self-development.

A while ago, a client reached out to me for help in her love life and attracting a partner. She was in her early 50s, had no kids, no partner, and a big fear of rejection. From the start, she expressed that her beliefs about relationships were “all men I attract are not ready to commit” and “I need to work so hard to receive love”. In the beginning, we looked back at her previous relationships to identify the experiences where these negative beliefs came from, the more we looked back, the more we uncovered. Interestingly enough, it has nothing to do with her past relationships with lovers because they were all simply a manifestation of what her beliefs attract and the root cause turned out to be her father.

When we say “beliefs attract” we are referring to the Law Of Attraction. In simple terms, this law states that how we see and experience reality is based on our personal self-beliefs that are directly linked to how well we treat ourselves. Successful individuals like Tony Robbins and Fiona Harrold are great examples of this, despite having a rough upbringing and hunger-filled days, they changed their lives completely when they changed their mindsets that were built on negative beliefs they picked up during their upbringing. 

Growing up, her father pushed her to reach high standards in school and reminded her constantly how this ties to her worth which put her in a constant state of anxiety to be an overachiever so she can be worthy of her father’s love. 

There was the root cause of “I need to work so hard to receive love”. Another aspect of the relationship was his strict rules when it came to boys, every time he found out she was talking to a boy he beat her up which not only lead her to submit to his validation of her more but as a coping protective mechanism, we came to the conclusion that her fear of rejection men and the belief of “all men I attract are not ready to commit” is a reflection of her dad’s rejection to her whenever she would disobey him.

Even as she grew older and became independent, her inner child was still yearning for her father’s approval which she never received completely because of how badly he treated her. It was never about her partners accepting her but her father accepting her if she were to have a partner. 

This deep realization activated a great motivational trigger toward positive change for the client and her new beliefs became “It’s ok for me to be involved romantically with a man”, “I can fall in love and get married without needing my father’s approval” and “I deserve to grow up to be my own independent person”.